a change of plans?

o. my family had this… epic talk of mass proportions. about whats gonna happen. since we’re not doing to good. the economy isn’t being nice to us. almost all of us are out of a job. those who had main supporting jobs before have lost them and have been searching for about a year now. if my dad doesn’t find a job by april, we’ll have to leave again.

in the n ext four months, life could change for everyone. my aunt is talking about moving to florida. and if my aunt moves, the most logical thing that belizeans do is go on right after the family leader (my aunt) a year or two later. we dont like being alone. we congregate in groups of 10 or so. sooooo…..my family could follow my aunt there. supposedly, our family there(in sarasota) is acting as an open door for us. at this time, im not rly sure of what to think. imeen. im rly attached to the woodlands. i love my friends here. ive met people here that ill never forget as long as i live. i went to highschool here. i know this city like the back of my hand. but i might leave.

if we are, we’ll leave one family at a time. my aunt, uncle, and kait will go first, yuri will stay here with us to finish his second year of school. and if things go as planned, we’ll follow right after, idk if i’ll transfer to ai tampa (cuz thats the nearest school to sarasota) or i’ll just finish my school here. idk.

i personally…….deep inside my soul…really would like to live in florida. but i dont want to leave my friends….but i went for vacation couple of years ago to FL- and i was absolutely in love with sarasota. the sand on the beaches- WHITE.the water’s like crystal clear, and there are beautiful sites and not so beautiful people. i was 15.

well……………who knows what might happen in six months. will we be in sarasota, still here, living in my aunts former house, hearing from them, will things suddenly get better? will they get worse? idk.

whatever happens. happens. im all for it.

GET OUT

i feel like ive been left hanging/uninformed/and very much FUCKED OVER.

i did my script. into a storyboard. rite? that’s what were supposed to do. and well. i finished it. thats cool.

and when i get to class- NO ONES EVEN DONE. some ppl havent even started. i feel like ive gone above and beyond. that my friends

is the first time this has happened to me.

i seriously thought the due date was today but APPARENTLY NOT.

and all period, prof and chris were going back and forth like little kindergardeners, not an ADULT to be seen for miles. and i get told. *stress on the awkward atmosphere in the air because of their arguing* that i have to do my storyboard IN INK.

FUCK NO. im already sick and tired of this guy.so i have to redo all fucking 20 pages.

its not like theres anything i can do about it. he just talks about his damn career and how we’ll never get there if we joke around like idiots. and his recurring lines that annoy the hell out of people because its very inconsiderate and rude.

“you’d wanna go throw yourself in front of a train”

“you’d wanna go kill yourself”

“of course, you all draw like this-” *draws stick figure*” of course you all have never worked in 3Ds MAX” “You wont do this” “you’ll never do that”

i didnt want to be self centered and stop him right there,tell him to shut the fuck up, and walk away.im nice. its in my blood.

“theres the door if you dont wanna take this seriously”

im tired of being misunderstood. i havent been more close to saying “NO YOUR WRONG.” to a teacher before.

maybe he should think that maybe……..just maybe. someone in the class has dealt with suicide problems.

“you’d wanna go kill yourself”

i WINCED.

and it was very PRONOUNCED because he caught me off guard. nida looked at me for a sec and then went bak to listening to him rnat about how awesome he is.

when i first heard it come out of his mouth. maybe he should think that that is something that HAPPENS IN THIS WORLD. AND ITS NOT AN EXAGGERATION. that is something serious. and not something to just SAY.

“you’d wanna go throw yourself in front of a train”

O_O if he thinks that that’s what i would do if i were assigned in impossible amount of work with such a close deadline-

holy fuck

he really needs to get to know us before he starts making judgements.

i dont fucking care what it is. if its work thats given to me, FUCK YEAH I would do it to my best ability, and turn it in on time because i have the will to be successful and the ambition to CARRY THE FUCK ON.

AND I worked in 3Ds MAx for two years in highschool. SUCK.

ON.

MY.

DICK.

“you guys are lucky to have someone from the gaming industry teaching you-“

well honestly i feel like i couldn’t be more UNFORTUNATE. TO HAVE THIS SPECIFIC MAN. as a professor. im sick and tired of being told that im oh.

so fortunate. to have things the way i do now.

i dont think anyone likes to be told their dumb. believe it or not, neither do i. he makes everyone so……….INFERIOR to him.

im an 18 year old woman that has been told she “cant” for most of her life.

“You wont do this” “you’ll never do that”

his statements will fuel my fire. when im somebody in this world, im going to find him. that is if hes alive. or find his fucking grave.

and laugh.

get the fuck out.

first post of 2011

GAWD. im bad at keeping this up.

maybe its cuz ive been busy. yus.

whats happened this past month? o-0. i dont know. i started school.

it looks like im gonna be working my my tail off more than usual this quarter. tho i got by this week by a thread, im kinda iffy about actually WORKING.

im bad with that. lol. i know i should be sketching and sketching and getting more refs and concepts done, but im too busy watching Full Metal Alchemist.

its been about 43 episodes? yes? ive been completely enveloped in this series. omg. GUYS. i think this is it.

im almost done with season 1. its going to be great. i rly hope this doesnt turn out like frkn naruto.

i bought my ticket for anime matsuri. im so stoked. its gonna be wild. from what alex told me, going early would be my best bet. tho everyone's gonna be at school on friday o-0. so. might have to message ashlee about her going to the con. Because im not going to be held bak by a few pplz. Lonestar's anime club is apparently REALLY BIG. soem ppl should be going. hopefully ppl i KNOW.

ive stopped eating breakfast. Dx. dont ask. i just dont want.

and i wake up like in the affternoon anyway. so its no big deal.

dad lost his job AGAIN. and were back to struggling to pay the damn rent. my 17 year old sister is paying the rent. Dx and whenever the subject comes up, she will accuse me of being a lazy bitch who doesn't do anything but sit around on the computer all day. its not a lie. and i do feel bad that i can't rly do anything right now but go to school. she will occasionally go off on me. make me feel bad. but i know that in the end, everything will pay off. but i will be seriously indebted to her.

i feel like a grown cheetah cub that hasn't been abandoned by its mother. when theyre about a year old, their mother just leaves them to fend for themselves. right now. its like my mom hasn't left and im still depending on her for my survival and my younger sister's the one bringing home the bacon, and my dads just in the corner, basking in his failure.

i swear. god really doesn't like my dad.

i know i was taught that all things happen for a reason, but right now it looks like he's being punished for living his life the way hes been doing so. even if we try to live godly lives, it still

isnt


good

enough.

i learned a valuable lesson that day......i can learn a lot from my dad.

1) go to college
2) dont have kids until you finish college
3) sometimes church just isn't the answer. it just makes you more of a damn hypocrite than you think you are.

srsly. NOW that he's lost his job twice within 2010/2011 he's had three jobs, and insists on working on computers/IT, whatever. now he goes for prayer. oh. i see. NOW YOU NEED GOD. it wasn't like that when you had the helion job. ugh. it makes me sick.

my uncles been unemployed for abtu a year now. my aunt for about 6 months. i dont know how their surviving.

i dotn know how IM surviving.

things could be worse. but im not going to think abotu that right now.




whatever. moving on.

i found chester after a few months. and a good set of earphones. so you could say im content.

im learning japanese. ive been on it for abotu a month now. i think im getting a little too ahead of myself. lol. but i can understand a few phrases, read a little, and write in hiragana well but not so well in katakana. been working on forming sentences, memorizing the order of things, and repeating them out loud, talk to my dog or something, ANY METHOD to get it stuck in my head so that it remains there.


well now. i think i better get back to work now.

mata ne.

wow 2 months lol

my deepest apologies, blog.

my first qarter at ai was amazing. the second, not as amazing. lost some people here and there, got a bit caught up in homework for a few, and then....i procrastinated.

and repeat.

autumn came late. i dont know if anyone cared to notice.

i did.

lots of crap has happened, lots of awesome stuffs' happened. i can't just put it into one HUGE paragraph. but im only going to say that i've learned a lot in these past few months.

ive learned. and i've done some more thinking.

reading, watching vids on youtube, and doing practically nothing, i thought. o-0 about my life. as a single person.

i have to keep telling myself that im being stupid. childish. and irritating to my own conscience when this subject comes up. it only makes me sad. im never happy when it comes around.

"oh yeah. theres somebody for everybody" mmhm.

just KEEEP telling that to yourself, christina.

ugh.

so anime. ive finally conformed and embraced it as a whole. but not rly. since i still dont like inuyasha, or anything main stream. ive never gotten used to being a conformist, so. it happens.

its gonna take some time.

embracing new ideas is something im not good at..

and letting go of the old ones is hard too....

sometimes i just want everything to stay the way it is. but. after a while. i realize that this is the way things are meant to work out. be it relationships, politics, my art, death, new life. sometimes ye just gotta give in.

and give in i have lol.

im completely in love with the vocaloids.

everyone else can shut up.

september 11th is almost here.

oh god. i rly dont feel like seeing ppl in tears because of something that happened a decade ago. honestly. i would just say "yeah ok" and then leave. but no. no nonononononononononNO!

so were going to ignore that part of the world tommorow. and the mosque-im about to shoot somebody if its mentioned in my presence again.

do not want to hear about it.

ive been writing a whole lot. like. a whole lot. more than a lot.

watching yuri. its actually really cool. but....not my type of thing. im going through my phase. of. being a non-anime person=to a fanatic. its terrible but hey ye gotta.

blue drop has a beautiful soundtrack. almost beats out wolfs rain but falls short. i love it. it reminds me of the iron giant for some reason. now that its night- and im a little more sensitive, it kinda makes me wanna cry......hagino dies in the end, leaving mari thinking the opposite. i love the fact that mari and hagino have always been connected because of the island disaster. its...really cool how things work out. but. its a real shame that its 13 episodes long. i was real suprised when i read in the comments section "5 episodes left! OMG I DONT WANT IT TO END" i didnt either. honestly.....i was actually into it. there was hardly a kiss involved. hence its yuri. but. whatever. i wanted to figure out more about hagino's kind. all the lifeforms on her planet were female. and she was teh captain of a ship that landed in the ocean (hence causing the island disaster) and she was the only one with black hair. everyone else had white hair. it was wierd. guess thats wat makes hagino stand out....or ekaril. i was still very shocked that she sacrificed herself to save azanel. i was like "why" she could have transported the ship somewhere else. and saved herself and tsubael. it was wierd.

it had such a sad ending. they never got to really be with each other....T_T.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhnEk8Jhw7A&feature=related

august concludes, hello september

i was increasingly angry this afternoon, but now im ok. im more angry at why the heck its 8 pm and i still have NO DINNAR.

what is up with this picture?! NO! im HUNGRY!

anyway they talked about religion, race, touchy subjects that make mouthy people mouth off even more because they wanna put their two cents in it. i kept quiet. nothing i say rly matters. its not like its gonna make anyones day any better, so might as well shut the hell up. black people were the pinnacle of the discussion.

yeah. everyones a little bit racist.....sometimes. i stopped myself so much from raising my hand to say something because i didnt wanna offend anyone. because alll i really had to say were terrible remarks. i just laughed when everyone was talking about religion. i cant remember wat happened, but i laughed and sat back. some people just dont get it. when they talked abut religion, they talked about god. not anything else. not buddhism, hinduism, just islam and jesus. make ppl feel sry for the islamic bastards and make christian idiots look like even bigger idiots.

i got sick after that. i was sick to my stomach at these people. holy crap. i was not happy. and talking to diana didnt help. she talked about herself and i talked about myself- that usually doesn't uhm.....MESH together. it really does collide with what i was trying to talk about. which is what was important. hearing about her pets- cool- but she went into frkn detail about everything and im thinkin 'okayy....you can stop now. any day now. i really dont care. lets talk about racism again'

it got way too quiet. i dont know today wasn't my day. i was tired from TOO MUCH SLEEP, i had been thinking last night about my life thus far, and it pissed me off. i woke up thinking, cried myself to sleep, got up again, cried some more, and finally fell asleep until 10 am. i shouldn't think about things that deeply.

it makes my mind wander a little too wildly. my anxiety issues kick in and i make something little something big. but im still upset. even tho i realize that it was just me taking things to an extreme. i can't concentrate. cant focus.

ive got to get to a doctor about that. these episodes. are not supposed to be just shrugged off like that. its serious. i could talk myself into doing stupid things aat stupid times with stupid people. without even reallly THINKING for myself and catching myself in my folly. im afraid itll happen again. im afraid that this time i wont be so fortunate as to just end up in tears.

im starting to become my old self again. its because of that stupid autolog in acting class. it made me think back tot he way it was, and i guess my brain missed it. so. here i am, typing down stupid things. ugh

sometimes i wish i was a guy so i could have an excuse to be a complete baby in every life situation there is. for expectations to be lowered. for standards to be lowered.

and so i could be left alone.

i love my sisters, but sometimes they catch me at the wrong time.

i dont like being a girl. honestly. its not even complicated. its just..........my minds here, my body's there. their in two different places. i feel so detatched. like i dont belong in my own skin! i scare myself. when i look in the mirror, i have to look twice before i realize its me. i let myself down for not being able to see past situations that aren't supposed to be a big deal. instead, i raise hell.

i hate this. whatever man.

and were back

to the blogging. had a decent week. realized that i may or may not still be going through some little uhm.....adjustments within. monday totally screwed up my vibe so i didnt' take advantage of the week.....didnt grab it by the horns. i just kinda....let the horns run me through. lol.

i need a new idea. to draw off of. i dont know what. but boredom has set in. and i dont know if i should go looking for ideas. the decieved has officially been ABANDONED.

dont ask. its not even complicated.

were almost done with august folks.....oh how time goes by so fast...its amazing....if your having fun, that is. if your not, the time just seems to go by all the more slower so that you can bask in your own misery for THAT MUCH TIME. see how time works? it adjusts itself to your moods. lol. just kidding. time waits for no one. not even if your oprah.

it will run you over if your not ready. thats why im so afraid to space off. ye never know what you might miss ye kno? especially in school! gawd. ipay good attention. but sometimes i get the urge. and then people start talking to me and in my head i mumble "screw you" and have to come back to earth.

i gently set my things down as i come home. i came home to the tv blaring, everyone in the living room and a very excited mutt. the usual. i had my coffee, again. just cuz i want to. im not addicted. i look over my room to make sure everything's the way i left it when i left almost 10 hours ago. and i go eat my dinner. everyone loves chicken. comee back, take off my tags, my keys, my glasses, my jacket, search my pockets, take out everything from there, and settle on in.

i have another weeks worth of projects to do. homework for observational drawing is simple. i just have to draw things i see in front of me and draw little things big so my teacher can say "this is quite nice" thats the best anyone will hear from him. he'll never tell you its "perfect" or "very good" its "its quite nice" i kinda like that cuz you dont wanna think you've done too well because you never really stop learning. striving to be better, that is what im doing. this class isn't really helping. im just using techniques i discovered on my own all over again. basically a review of last year. not even learning anything in particular. i spent 4 hours of my life on monday drawing an arrangement of POPCORN.

POPCORN.

fortunately i ate the arrangement before the professor could come around to scrutinize my work and how good the proportions were.

scale is just like anxiety. you make something little something big. i had to fill the large piece of paper with details. all four sides of the paper drawn on. it wasn't hard. im used to doing that with pictures i draw from my phone. the screen is small. i nonconsciously make myself better. drawing small pictures on big paper. ive been doing it.

my dad thinks that im still like really inexperienced and that he needs to put his input on stuff im doing. "print it out in blak n white-" i know dad......i know.....

i shouldn't have coffee in the evening. i get headaches.

acting class is real fun. thheres really no other definition.

i registered for classes next quarter. got my little card that says "pass" i think its for this party thats gonna go on next next wednesday. i should get my new schedule at the end of this month i think. or by the end of september. hopefully.

apparently i get a shirt. for being one of the first 100 people to register for classes. im number 56. oh aren't i lucky.

i do believe im gonna make something out of the sketch comic.

which remains unnamed. i dont know what i should call it until i finish. i dont even know the story for this thing. but ill figure something out. to fit what's already taken place. because i dont feel like starting all over just because i made one little change. uggghhhh i dont feel like talking about my artwork anymore.


its got no meaning. headed in no direction. its a mess.

my head hurts. ugh.

well.....life isn't bad.